It's unbelievable how quickly it happens. I was so happy yesterday, soaking in the sunshine and fresh air. After I finished writing my blog, I decided to have my dinner outside. I was sitting on my porch, looking out, and remembering how nice it felt to bury my hands in a bag of potting soil, when it happened. An intrusive thought. They often come to me, usually in the evening, during a time of reflection, and when I'm alone. Most of the time they derail me, sending my thoughts in the opposite direction, and by the overnight hours, I'm well on my way to a depressive episode.
It's so frustrating! I recognize it when it starts, I know where it's going, I even know it's unreasonable, but I can't stop it. All I can do is distract myself until it passes. I think the worse thing about my illness is the fear. I live with almost constant fear of the future, brought on by my losses in the past. I don't know how to change.
About Me
- Jennifer
- I've been married since 2002. I used to be a hairstylist, but never really loved it. I battle with anxiety, self esteem issues, and some phobias, but that's all depressing, so I'll say no more about it. Being active in my Church has really helped with these issues. My husband is newsdirector for the local radio stations. He loves to cook, and since I'm not that good at it, I let him. :) We have no children, but he has a daughter, a son, and granddaughter. My children are all of my cats. We have 5 indoor only cats, plus, after a long struggle, have managed to capture and have the neighborhood strays spayed/neutered. Some of them have even become friendly, and come inside for short visits. They'll never be happy as indoor only cats, but I'm very proud of how far they've come.
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